Young and Single in Addis

Recently I've had some young single colleagues visiting. This leads to socializing and work socializing with other young single people. The topic of what life is like for that demographic has come up. As in many hispanic countries (Spain, the DR, etc) young people here live with their families until they marry. (If they don't marry, they inherit the family house when their parents die.) I never gave this much thought until we started talking about how this affects daily social life.

When living with one's parents here, you don't bring friends home very much. You *certainly* don't bring boyfriends or girlfriends home. In fact, the whole dating scene is a don't-ask-don't-tell affair with regard to parents. A colleague said "well of course my parents must know that I date; I'm 26. We just don't ever talk about it." BFs or GFs don't get introduced to the family until the man is ready to propose. Then his family sends a delegation to the woman's family.

So most socializing and all dating takes place in public places. This is why the cafe society is so prevalent here. This is also why people spend time in their cars in front of cafes. The automobile has become the only place one can have a private conversation with one's friends or BF/GF. The car takes the place of the private apartment or condominium for young people in the US. The car also serves the same purpose as it does at the drive-in movie for US teenagers, but long past the teen years.

Being as delicate as possible, we tried to ask about getting some alone-time with a loved one. We stammered something like "well, then, um... what if you really like your BF... and you want to spend some time alone... and, um..." Once they figured out the subject we were dancing around, our friends were very forthcoming: "Oh, you just get a hotel room. There are people who know some hotel clerks by name."

Addis residents who fit this demographic please add comments and corrections.

Comments

[egypt4]

Marc, interesting post. Here in Egypt, people also live with their parents til they get married. I've also been wondering how people find alone time (or even just time to have a private conversation). Also, Egypt seems much more conservative than Ethiopia (an obersation based on my few visits to there and my few weeks here), making this particularly tricky.

I just blogged about my discovery of couples holding hands (something you rarely see around town) at a local park where we went with our kids. It was quite lovely, actually. I don't know if cars play the same role.

[Tita]

I left for the US about ten years ago when I was 28. I dated my boyfriend who was a year older for 7 years while living in Addis. My mom (widowed) didn’t know about him at all. She was educated, working for the UN, traveling around the world but talking about dating let alone bringing one home was unthinkable. My boyfriend and I were regulars in a motel. The question is how many will afford that? I never thought about this, but I sure want to know where couples go for some privacy besides motels/cars as many people neither drive nor afford to visit motels regularly.

[Marc]

It's my impression that Ethiopian society is *very* conservative socially, due to the influences of the Christian Orthodox and Muslim religions that dominate. For example, homosexuality is still a punishable crime in Ethiopia. Male/female intimate relationships are still carried out in secrecy. Of course my frame of reference is the US which must seem libertine to folks here.

[curious]

Well..as an ethiopian living in addis & working for daddy.., i bring my girl home around 2.30pm (i'm sure my parents are back to work by then), have about till 4.30-5 to go at it again & again...& shower & leave..Also, if u have the means you rent preferably an appartment (rental agency or CMC when the rent went down) with a couple of friends & use it to crash when going out &/or with your/a girl, have bercha in it...

[jio]

Not quite. Just look inside the cars, are they all couples? The car owning class is of a different breed in 3w cities.

Being seen in a car and being the object of envy is the initiation they go through. Marked for life, this previleged class is a flaunting flirt, not love birds seeking nests.

[egypt4]

Marc, yeah, I hear you on Ethiopia being conservative, but I'm in a Muslim country where most women cover their hair and almost all of their skin, even on the hottest of hot days. Certainly people here LOOK more conservative.

As for homosexuality: it's not even acknowledged here. In fact, adult men might walk down the street with their arms around each other out of friendship because it wouldn't occur to anyone that they might be gay.

Also, in many places here, my husband and I would need our marriage license to check into a hotel because we have different last names.

Have you read Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali? It's an excellent book, and I was really struck by her impressions of Ethiopia, which seemed to her very relaxed after being raised as a Somali Muslim.

I'm not trying to out-conservative you though.

I do have a (totally unrelated) question for you: I know there are tons of folks coming into Ethiopia for the big new year. Are folks expecting this surge to last through the winter, too? Or might this winter be slower? We're considering a Dec/Jan visit, and I'm wondering if it might be more crowded than usual, since I know this is often a busy time there, especially around Timket.

[Marc]

Hey Jio, what's a 3W city? (I can guess what "bercha" means...)

Egyt4 I'll respond via e-mail.

[mimi]

Bercha = chewing chat and drinking coffee/tea all day, getting high and generally being useless.

what a waste.

all my friends used to meet up with their BFs at a specific friend's house whose parents were a pilot and a hostess and never home. that girl should have charged rent. nobody would be seen dead walking into a motel for anything. addis is waaay to small for that kind of risk. your parents would find out and it wouldn't be pretty.

[anbessa]

i bring her home,even when my parents are around.They've met,they used to welcome her at first but her repetitive visits are raising eyebrows now,especially after we forgot to throw away used condoms(many times)....
..the car= not so confortABLE...plus we were once foreplaying in the car,nothing else in mind when the owner of the house we parked in front of assisted with his zebegna came out,insulting us,saying stuff like you r nothing but dogs,who is gonna clean up after your mess etc etc,,
...hotel rooms=damn expensive especially theses days with the millennium ..too expenxive for nothing...i say bring her home!... if necessary buy champagne+ u get to bring her homemade breakfast to bed.
.... about our society being conservative...it's true that most of us never discuss relationships with parents etc.. but doesn't mean we should refrain from trying... i say let's talk about it ,conservattism is just the cover ,we should look within ....then we will stop paying for hotel rooms.